Music: Is reminiscent of Game of Thrones theme, but somehow seafaring.
Second-rate Jack Sparrow imitation*: Shows up.
* You’d think Johnny Depp had that one covered, as of Pirates of the Caribbean III.
Meanwhile, back at the palace:
Milady: I want a vacation.
Richelieu. Assassins don’t get
vacations. But you’ll note that we do provide excellent dental. (flashes 20th-century teeth.)
Milady: What about the retirement plan?
Richelieu: Don’t make me laugh; it displaces my mustache unattractively.
Richelieu: Oh, go ahead, take a break, you’ve earned it. But remember that I yanked you from the gutters of Paris and made you my creature.
Milady: Why can’t you
be the guttersnipe this time, and I’ll be the Naughty Aristocrat?
Richelieu: My roleplay, my rules.
Back to the tavern.
Musketeers: Sneak into tavern. Sneakily.
Bar fight: Starts.
Musketeers: Arrest Second-rate Jack Sparrow Imitation (henceforward SrJSI).
Lady: Shows up to attack SrJSI.
Me: Oh, my GOD, that’s a Western schoolmarm outfit, kill me now, I can’t live on this planet any more.
Me: Reminds self that she promised not to mention the costumes again
even though if one more corset shows up as outerwear I may hit somebody with my copy of Queen Elizabeth’s Wardrobe Unlock’d
Lady: is SrJSI’s wife.
SrJSI: Allow me one last conjugal visit with my hottie.
D’Artagnan: How stupid do you think we are?
a good question.
Musketeers: Allow one last conjugal visit with his hottie.
SrJSI and wife: Feign conjugal visit noises. At length.
Plot: Musketeers ingeniously outwit SrJSI and Wife and carry SrJSI off to Paris in a cart. Porthos exposits about his tragic slave-being childhood. They are ambushed by Merchant. Porthos is shot. Merchant exposits about SrJSI’s failure to honor business contracts.
Musketeer: “We’re being followed by two men wearing black leather.”
Husband: Unlike everyone else in this show????
Aramis: Wow, Porthos is wounded!
Athos: Righty-ho, off to Paris.
Aramis: But Porthos --
Aramis: Porthos will dieeeee! We can’t go!
Athos: We will go to Paris. Put him in the cart!
Aramis: But the cart will kill him!
Athos: Oh, all right. We’ll put him in the cart for a few miles to this place I know.
Porthos: A FEW MILES? Okay, I’ll just partly die then, shall I?
Aramis: You couldn’t mention that place a few sentences back?
Location: is the little country place of Athos, Comte de la Fère.
Musketeers: Who’s the Comte de la Fère?
Athos flashes back to his marriage to Milady, during which he hangs her. As one does. In the present, Milady spares his life, as one does. Even though this is all canon, the execution is painfully bad. You need to know that there were forget-me-nots. Otherwise let us never mention this again. If only the show would follow suit.
Returning to the A plot…
Everybody: Is hanging around the dining room of Chez Fère.
SrJSI: Has Sekret Plan to make money through shipping. Shipping stuff. To the Antilles. Hmm. He’s eeevil, so...
Yes, because this is the episode from McObviousVille, he’s eeevil and a slaver. Porthos, being the thickest brick in the fortification, doesn’t notice SrJSI’s references to hanging out on the porch of his plantation
sipping a julep
and watching the work get done. What does he need, a diagram?
Porthos: sees a diagram.
Every American schoolkid sees it at some point. It’s from the British slave trade and dates to 1788.
Lady: rescues SRJSI, covering four Musketeers with a single pistol. Fires a shot into the ground, rides away.
Me: (real-time) THAT’S A SINGLE-SHOT WEAPON, YOU MORONS! GRAB A GUN!
Musketeers, on ground: Draw swords.
Me: Headdesk. To be precise, headbed.
Lady with SrJSI on horse: gets shot. By somebody else, who rides off.
SrJSI: is sad.
SrJSI: is made to dig grave in the middle of a field. In unconsecrated ground. Because it isn’t as if every man jack of them is a Catholic or anything. Aramis mutters something that, whatever else it might be, is definitely not a Catholic prayer. I think he also crosses himself wrong, but somebody else will have to Catholic-pick.
Musketeers: ride sullenly off to Paris.
Porthos: Man is born free!And everywhere he is in chains. Hellooo to Rousseau, 1762. Or, in general, to the French Enlightenment, which kicks into gear about 50 years after the Musketeers.
Musketeers: Reach Paris, hand off SrJSI to Richelieu.
Richelieu: You have totally foutu my plans and betrayed the King.
SrJSI: But I have a Plan!
Richelieu: Demonstrate this as if your life depended on it. Because it does
Nice line, but… as you will recall, he’s eeeeeevil.
Place: Hall outside Cardinal’s Den of Plotting.
Musketeers: Interrogate SrJSI about recent events. The speed of their uptake makes Porthos look like Spinoza by comparison.
Yup. Richelieu funds slave expedition. Armand Jean du Plessis, cardinal-duc de Richelieu et de Fronsac, noted collector of books and great works of art, the guy who built the Palais-Cardinal
and then left it to the King, is so hurting for cash that he’d invest in a speculative (all
sea ventures were speculative in this era) venture with a SrJSI who was known for betraying his investors. Richelieu would totally prioritize ducats over the interests of the King, because it’s not as if he’s the guy who in the previous two episodes has emphasized that nothing matters to him but the welfare of France.
Irrelevant, because eeeeevil.
Constance Bonacieux: Is wearing corset as outerwear.
Milady: Shows up at Constance Bonacieux’s house. Makes vague threats. Leaves in a sinister fashion.
Constance: Gosh, I hope she doesn’t come back.
d’Artagnan: pulls shirt on. Slowly.
Me: I’m sorry, did you two say something?
The Musketeers are all depressed, then they go down to the harbor and rescue SrJSI from his angry investors because it’s their duty to the King and that’s just how they roll, and -- surprise twist! -- deliver him to a Spanish ship to languish in durance vile forever.Because they’re eeeee
Oh, wait, they’re the heroes, it’s perfectly okay.