Cool Tools exceeds itself in stupidity

[mme_hardy]

 Here's the guy featured in the latest issue.  My comments in italics. I'm sparing you the pictures, but suffice it to say they live up to the text.

What I do instead of carrying BS stuff in my bag 

 

 

James Altucher is an entrepreneur, chess master, investor, and writer. At least, that's how he introduces himself.  His writing has appeared in major national media outlets Bets  this includes at least one Gawker property?  and his blog has attracted more than 10 million readers since its launch in 2010. His latest book is called The Choose Yourself Stories.  Available from CreateSpace now!

 

 I don’t like to carry bags just in case I need my hands quickly for hand-to-hand combat or very quick mountain climbing.  I... I can't even. When lives are at stake I don’t like to take chances. Which is why I have found a 600% increase in my productivity by wearing a doctor’s lab coat including the items I put in the pockets of the lab coat.

 

Doctor’s coat. I wear a doctor’s lab coat whenever I’m outside the house and often when I’m inside. Like in airports, restaurants, walking around town.

 

The reason?

 

It’s comfortable. Good for all weather. You can get one cheap on the “World Wide Web.” (“Triple dub” for those in the biz.) If by "the biz" you mean pets.com.

 

The big pockets let me put any electronic devices I might need (an iPad mini, for example, plus waiter’s pads <see below>)

People actually do treat me like a doctor. A title I have earned through my hard work and years of practice.  If someone said, “I need a doctor” I would not be able to help See above re hard work and practice unless it’s easy stuff in which case I can say, “I’m not a doctor” and then perform CPR or mouth-to-mouth or Heimlich, which are all easy to learn. But 99.9% requests for a doctor are usually things where you can just give placebic information if you didn't do the time, you have NO IDEA whether placebic information is called for; real doctors ask multiple questions to rule out serious illness  and say “You’ll be OK” which I know because of watching House (I picture myself as Mathew Fox from the TV show Lost while I say it since it often worked for him on the show).  Yes, I always take my life advice from the behavior of fictional characters.  I'm downloading  Hannibal season 1  right now.  But the reality is, people move out of the way if you are an airport and walking around in a doctor’s coat. Is this unfair? Well, I never claim to be a doctor. I just let people assume I am, and practice medicine when the fancy takes me.  I’m just wearing a doctor’s coat because I like how it feels, looks, and the functionality of it. But if it has other benefits, which it does, I’ll take it.

 

What I carry in my doctor’s coat

 

As mentioned, a doctor’s coat has huge pockets. If I wanted to, the largest thing I can probably carry in a doctor’s coat is a baseball glove for a really huge hand. But I don’t need that. I don’t even play baseball.   Aren't I a card?

 

Here’s what I need and what I think has helped me and even saved my life on numerous occasion. I have a new phrase to describe these types of items that are in my coat. I call them “Life” “Hacks”. Feel free to use that phrase since I don’t think I will trademark it.   How droll.  What a card!

 

2-bucks

 

$2 bills. I have thousands of $2 bills. I always tip with $2 bills. How come? Because then people remember me. They always say, "God, it's that pretentious jerk again"  “Whoah! I’ve never had one.” Sometimes they don’t know where to put the $2 bill in the cash register. There’s no slot for one. They might call over the manager. And that in no way complicates the life of somebody trying to get by on minimum wage. Everyone might say “What’s happening over there?”  Yes, I am desperate for attention, any kind of attention.  Pull my finger!  Ahahahahaha!. This is a side effect of the $2 bill. But the next time I come into an establishment, I’m remembered. This is good for restaurants, dates, poker night with friends, even for paying at the local deli.

 

I find whenever I move to a new town this is a quick way to make friends. I’m very shy and this gets people talking. This has been also very good on dates. Nobody ever forgets the guy with a roll of $2 bills.  God knows they try, but that which is seen cannot be unseen.

 

How do you get 1000 $2 bills? Simple. Go to the bank, they order it from the Federal Reserve, it takes about 5 days and then they call you up and give you your money. By the way, then the bank never forgets you either.  "Look, Sadie, it's that bozo again."

 

Everytime I’ve ever moved since 1986 I’ve used this trick and it works. Quickly everyone remembers who I am.  "Look, Jennifer, it's that bozo again!"

 

I’ve even tried writing notes to waitresses on the $2 bills, complete with my phone number. This trick HAS NOT worked for me.  "Oh, God, Sarah, I got another note from that bozo.   And he undertipped again."

 

However, one trick for dates. Have a roll of $2 bills. Then have a single $100 bill on the outside. Pay the bill with the $100 bill, then from the back, tip with the $2 bills.

 

I hate to say it, but that trick works.

 

waiter-pad

 

Waiter’s pads. I have about 300 waiter’s pads. I order them for about 10 cents a pad in bulk on restaurant supplies websites.

 

How come?

 

I like to write ideas on pads. I write down at least 10 ideas a day. The idea muscle is a muscle like any other. If it’s not exercised, it atrophies. And given the quality of the ideas I'm passing out here, it would be a tragedy for that muscle to diminish even more.  My electron microscope only goes down so far, y'know? If it’s exercised then within six months you’re an idea machine. Try it. It’s amazing what happens. Don’t keep track of the ideas. Please God, don't. Just become an idea machine.

Why a pad? A screen messes with your dopamine levels. [citation needed] I like the visceral experience of putting pen to pad.

Why 10 ideas? Four or five ideas on any theme is easy. It’s the final five or six that makes the brain sweat. This is how you exercise the idea muscle.

Why specifically a waiter’s pad?

It forces you to be concise. A waiter’s pad is small lines. You can’t write a novel there.  A grateful world rejoices.

It’s a great conversation piece in meetings. Once I pull out the waiter’s pad someone always says, “I’ll take fries with my burger” and everyone laughs. Again, I’m shy so it’s a good way for me to break the ice.  "Look, Kevin, it's that pettifogger again."  "Sarah, stop using W.C. Fields slang."

In restaurants, when you pull out a waiter’s pad, guess what? Waiters treat you better. 

Many waiter’s pads have the shapes of tables at the top of each page. I’m bad with names so if I’m at a meeting I pick the table that matches the one I am at and I write the names of the people around the table.

Most people at meetings have their expensive leather pads. I paid 10 cents for my pad. I come across as frugal when I use a waiter’s pad.  Or at least weird.

The other day in a cafe I was working and someone potentially violent Definition left to the beholder.  I'm guessing at least one of nonwhite and homeless.  came up and asked me for money. I held up my waiter’s pad and said, “I’m a waiter, do you want to order something?” and they sort of looked at me and grunted and then walked away.  Something everybody else who interacts with me does; I've never quite figured out why.

ipad-mini

 

iPad Mini.  Now that's novel and original.  The iPad mini covers my entire computing needs except in mornings when I’m writing.  On my waiter's pad.

 

I don’t really use the iPad Mini to do anything serious. When I’m outside there’s almost no reason for me to check email or social media. And I NEVER read news.

 

You are what you eat. And when you ingest media, it usually can’t be digested properly by the brain. (Although I read Boing Boing and jamesaltucher.com or a good book.)  He reads his own fucking website.  I have no words.

 

BUT… the most important thing I do with my iPad Mini and the one thing which has helped me in a million situations is….  
Shove it up my fundament and twist?

 

I watch standup comedy before every meeting, date, dinner, media appearance, conversation, public talk.
Awwwwww.

 

I watch Louis CK, Daniel Tosh, Anthony Jeselnik, Jim Norton, Andy Samberg, Seth Rogen, Marina Franklin, Ellen, Bo Burnham, and maybe a dozen others.

 

How come?

 

I have a lot of inhibitions when I meet people. I’m scared and somewhat introverted. Standup comedians are the best public speakers in the world and I think they are the most astute social commentators on the human condition.

 

So the reasons I watch them before most social encounters (personal, professional, media)

 

• It gives me a boost of energy. My “mirror neurons” Which may or may not exist are going to feed off of their boost of energy for at least 1-3 hours after I watch them.
• It gives me material. I won’t steal from a comedian. Oh. But the reality is: good artists plagiarize, great artists steal. Except when I do. And at the very least, I often improvise based on material I heard a comedian said. I’m not competing with them. I’m just on a date. Or a business meeeting.
• Studying the subtleties of how comedians get laughs: their timing, their voices, their silences, the way they look at the audience, the way they move across the stage, the way they benefits from the comedians who came before them, AND their actual commentary about life, helps me in my many interactions with people.  Fortunately, most of these interactions end  quickly; I've never been quite sure why.

What I don’t carry in my doctor’s coat? A phone. I never talk on the phone. I have a hard time hearing people on the phone and then I don’t know what to say to them and feel very awkward. Did I mention I'm shy? Plus, not carrying a phone helps me avoid email, etc.  Er... except when my iPad Mini is connected to WiFi?

 

All of the above may make it seem like I’m a loser in many respects. ... I'll just leave that here.  I don’t deny this. These are like crutches to me to help me survive in a world that’s increasingly hard to process.  And God knows I'm not trying.

 

But they work.  "Oh, look, Cecilia, it's that boz -- oh, damn, he's coming this way.  You pretend to laugh, I'll spill my drink on him."

 

Comments

[recessional]

I . . . actually have a hard time believing anyone mistakes him for a doctor. Like. Docs don't usually wear lab-coats outside. Where by "usually" I mean "I have lived around doctors my entire life and I have never seen one do so, and assume anyone out in public in a lab-coat is in costume."

[mme_hardy]

In fact, some doctors have stopped wearing them, because it intimidates patients in non-useful ways. They're handiest in a hospital setting, because it's a fast way to distinguish the sheep from the goats -- the senior nurses being the sheep IMHO.

[recessional]

The pockets are also genuinely useful in a hospital setting, where you're going from place to place to place and want to have some things with you, as opposed to an office setting where, well, it's your office: you'd hope the examination rooms are stocked with whatever you'll need.

*g* I have equal good and bad experiences with docs and nurses, both personally and in their professional care, so I'm neutral of opinion on sheep vs goat.

[movingfinger]

I haven't seen a doctor in a coat in a long time! Not in a medical setting. They are bacteria farms. I believe a lot of hospitals banned them when MRSA showed up. Presumably, doctors' coats (and their pocketsful of non-sterilized stuff) are reservoirs of infection. Lately the working doctors are all in short-sleeved scrubs which can be changed and sterilized easily.

Possibly I saw an older doctor doing the check-in and explanation visits wearing a coat? Maybe? A couple years ago... when Mom fractured her hip.

[recessional]

I see the coats, but they're washed with the scrubs.

[mme_hardy]

All the doctors I've seen at PAMF wear coats, except the psychiatrist.

[legionseagle]

But the reality is, people move out of the way if you are an airport and walking around in a doctor’s coat.

I think I'd move out of this man's way whatever he's wearing. And surely a doctor's coat (which, incidentally, they no longer wear in British hospitals) isn't very useful in hand-to-hand combat or impromptu rock-climbing?

[mme_hardy]

It's handy if your opponent needs something to grab, thus ridding the world of a self-important menace.

[redstarrobot]

Yes, I wouldn't have thought it was suitable clothing for hand-to-hand combat or impromptu rock-climbing at all. (Hand-to-hand combat and impromptu rock-climbing are, ironically, the reasons I like to keep my hands free by using a damn bag, which is also more waterproof than a doctor's coat, and thus prevents my electronics and pads of paper from getting wet during my impulsive self-exposure to rain - how innovative is that?)

[movingfinger]

For the record, I love it when you do this to a piece of pretentious typographic ejecta.

[mme_hardy]

Aw, thanks. I wish I could do it on demand, but I have to be furious. I have already sent mail to Cool Tools pointing out just how dangerous -- and illegal -- it is to dish out medical advice without being a qualified doctor or physician's assistant.

[movingfinger]

The guy is doing real-world lulz trolling. They shouldn't be handing him attention. He's a tool, yes, but not a cool one.

[mme_hardy]

By the way, legionseagle has pointed out to me that by "chess master" he means "had a 2204 rating in 1990", which is a national master but not an international one.

[movingfinger]

Jeez, who boasts about something they did in 1990. Not me...

[mme_hardy]

Bets that he drops his SAT scores into casual conversation?

[adrian_turtle]

You don't actually need a lot of pockets to hold an ipad mini and a small notepads. Non-pretentious idiots who are not trying to attract attention, and who do not want to carry a bag, could manage it with cargo pants, or the non-fitted kind of rain jacket they used to make for hikers.

Or, with *very* careful attention to pocket detail, a wool blazer. I have two such. They aren't the most fashionable jackets in the world--one is a rather large plaid--but they're a lot better than wearing a lab coat to a restaurant.

[mme_hardy]

I wore a Scottevest overseas so I wouldn't have to carry a purse; it looked a bit dorkish, but it served the purpose. They now have much more elegant versions.

[adrian_turtle]

A local geek wore one of those to a party, and bragged about how he had every tool he could possibly need in all the pockets (though he did not have pen, pencil, tissues, or bandaids.) I didn't want to mention it as an alternative, because he sounded a bit too much like Mr. Altetuches. And because the modern Scottevests come with a map of the pocketry printed on the glasses cleaning cloth.

[mme_hardy]

I can see that all the wrong people would wear them and brag about it.

It was *fantastic* for foreign travel, because I knew where my wallet, camera, phone, glasses were -- a designated pocket for each -- and because it wasn't as easy to pickpocket as a visible purse.

[movingfinger]

I must say the one time we got seriously pickpocketed, the guy pulled R's wallet out of an inside raincoat pocket. While I was stiff-arming his partner who was In My Space. (Barcelona: why bother going back?)

Scottevest: I'll have to try one someday. They risk looking like the dreaded Photographer's Vest. I do use my parkas that way and am burningly loyal to Marmot for the small right breast pocket accessed from just inside the storm flap which was perfect for dead batteries and cards. On the left the inside-inside pocket is one perfect for live batteries and filled cards. I believe that the classic trench coats are well-endowed with pockets, but have not tried one out.

[redbird]

I use my parka this way; the one downside of the mild winters where I live now is that none of my other jackets have as good pockets. There's even a paperback/kindle pocket (though the manufacturer thinks it's for ski goggles).

[neadods]

For years the most popular thing Banana Republic sold was a knockoff of a photographer's vest because of all the big pockets. I still rather miss mine.

Possible to carry everything this guy talks about without looking like you were either practicing medicine without a license or, for that matter, actually looking like you were going on safari. Many a geek modified the black one into a Han Solo vest.

[mme_hardy]

The thought of having a useful Han Solo vest makes me smile.

[sollers]

One of the advantages of working from home is that I am able to wear cargo pants when I want to - when I can find any that accommodate both the female waist and female hips. Women's wear stopped providing adequate pockets when narrow skirts came into fashion a hundred years ago, and even women's jackets often don't provide so much as somewhere to put one's doorkey, never mind anything else. And if I wore a blazer to a restaurant it would create as much comment as if I wore a doctor's coat.

[emceeaich]

> Yes, I always take my life advice from the behavior of fictional characters. I'm downloading Hannibal season 1 right now.

Current status: Doubled over. Laughing.

[laurashapiro]

I have an old friend who carries $2 bills. I used to think it was cute, but now I'm rethinking EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM.

[mme_hardy]

I have an old friend who carries "twos and Sues", but he doesn't use them as a pickup device.

[laurashapiro]

What's a Sue in this context?

[mme_hardy]

Susan B. Anthony dollar coins.

[laurashapiro]

I am delighted to learn they still exist!

[kate_nepveu]

It's what the Tooth Fairy leaves for SteelyKid. Or did, before she started leaving notes asking for Pokemon cards (and a cat, but, well).

[laurashapiro]

Wow, a cat would be the best Tooth Fairy gift ever!

[kate_nepveu]

Alas, not to be. Details: http://kate-nepveu.dreamwidth.org/885301.html

[laurashapiro]

Aww, too bad!

[kate_nepveu]

I mean, eventually, but I don't know how well it will line up with future tooth losses!

[laurashapiro]

Ah! Well, that's all right, then. (:

[neadods]

I cannot resist throwing in my $.02.

Yes, I always take my life advice from the behavior of fictional characters. I'm downloading Hannibal season 1 right now.

Thank you for that laugh; I was starting to feel stabby.

I call them “Life” “Hacks”. Feel free to use that phrase since I don’t think I will trademark it.

...aaaaaand that way the website Lifehacker won't trample you to mush. In court.

And given the quality of the ideas I'm passing out here, it would be a tragedy for that muscle to diminish even more

You really do have the mot juste when I get too stabby. What in heck does he do when people refuse the $2 *and* the $100? Some don't trust the former or have change for the latter.

Most people at meetings have their expensive leather pads

They're actually writing on the leather? Or, y'know, just putting equally dime-a-dozen pads of paper into holder.

I watch ... Daniel Tosh

That. Explains. So. Much.

I often improvise based on material I heard a comedian said

And now we know he's channelling Tosh, again: That. Explains. SO. Much.

[mme_hardy]

You made me look up Daniel Tosh. Ugh.

[ironed_orchid]

I watch ... Daniel Tosh

I saw the words "stand up comedy" and made a bet with myself that Daniel Tosh would be mentioned.

[redbird]

A person could also get a white lab coat and modify it to make clear that you're not a doctor: tie-dye works, or embroidery of something non-medical (I've seen someone at sf cons with one that says something like "Mad Scientists Local 1234," for example).

[mme_hardy]

Excellent point. Of course, that would assume that you don't *want* to be mistaken for a doctor.

[kore]

'Sometimes they don’t know where to put the $2 bill in the cash register. There’s no slot for one. They might call over the manager.'

This is obviously not the Most Important Point to refute but as someone who has WORKED with cash registers, I have to say he's also stupid and wrong about this, too. There are at least a billion $2 bills in circulation. If you have worked a cash register longer than a couple of months, you've see at least one. If a customer pays with one it'll probably get stuck in the odds drawer (where cashiers keep rubber bands, dollar coins, extra finger covers, whatever) or under the drawer where the checks go. Someone probably isn't going to go 'OMG HELP A $2 CALL THE MANAGER' unless they're two weeks into their first cashiering job, or something. And nobody is going to worry about a counterfeit $2 bill (WTF), the most suspicious bills are the $20 and $100 -- if you try to pay for a small purchase with a $100 bill in a grocery store, yeah, that looks suspicious. Not a $2 one!

[tigerflower]

I thought... nay, I hoped... that every word of this was satire.

I can only say thank you for the bits that were.

I have no words.

[ironed_orchid]

Thank you! This would have been much more unbearable without your notes!

[nineveh_uk]

So basically he has stuff he needs to carry, but can't use a bag because bags are girly and it would cause his manhood to wither and die. So he will put up with looking like any sort of idiot to avoid this dire fate.

On the plus side, is he very considerate in ensuring that no-one will ever accidentally mistake him for a reasonable person.

[resonant.livejournal.com]

Thank you for annotating that to make it readable.

[dxmachina.livejournal.com]

I'm surprised this guy stopped with the lab coat. As I see it, once the coat stops attracting as much attention as he craves, his next move will to strap on a utility belt, cape, and cowl. People will certainly get out of his way when he strides through airports dressed like Batman (mostly to leave plenty of room for security to have clear shots when they tackle him).

That said, I'm not sure I find his post all that much different from the others in the series. I really have no interest in what any of these pretentious gits lug around on a daily basis. I'd much rather hear about the one tool that makes their life easier.

Even if it's a grappling hook...

(It occurs to me that he could achieve the same goal with a decent trench coat, maybe with a couple of secret pockets for sekrit stuff. Then he'd look like a spy.)

[mme-hardy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, my husband's reaction was "Why on earth are you reading that section?" My answer is that the Vows section in the NYT is always terrible, but sometimes it's so gloriously terrible you can't look away.