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Sweeping up the house and putting love away
When my parents downsized the home they'd lived in since 1973, they moved the most treasured books and furniture and objects to the semi-detached house I'm sitting in now. Everywhere I look, I see things that remind me of my childhood. The dementia ward encourages you to bring your own furniture, so now I'm looking around to try to decide what would make Mom feel most at home and what pictures or ornaments she would particularly find comforting. It's a small room. Mom is still extremely angry and doesn't want anything moved because that would imply she's staying there and she isn't. I did bring up some family photographs, which she's enjoying, and will bring another batch later.
This sorting is doubly hard, because I'm asking both what are the essential objects to Mom and which are the essential objects to me. The tall silver Japanese vase, the Swedish sewing table (mineminemine), Dad's collection of Captain Midnight decoder badges, the ruby glass vase. All of them say Mom and Dad and my childhood; they're saturated with it. Leaving aside arguments with my brother -- which I actually don't expect, we've talked about it -- I can't keep everything that reminds me of my home. My parents lived a much more elegant life than I do. The ruby glass vase isn't us; it's Mom and Dad and Great-Aunt Mary, but it's not our sort of thing. The enormous panels of Arts-and-Crafts-style stained glass won't fit our Californian ranch windows, which are horizontal, not vertical. The books we flat-out don't have room for. We don't have much/any knickknack space. Our existing space is crammed with books and furniture and Stuff.
There will be helpers. I don't know what to do with my mom's double digits of houseplants, or the Swedish modern flat-woven rug from the 1970s (Ryas are collectable, flat-woven is not), or two out of the three chests of family silver. (A childless aunt, my grandmother, my mother.) There are so many things that are treasured, but won't be anybody else's treasures.
And of course I feel terrible thinking these thoughts; how selfish! But one of the things I've got to do while I'm here is start cleaning out the house.
This sorting is doubly hard, because I'm asking both what are the essential objects to Mom and which are the essential objects to me. The tall silver Japanese vase, the Swedish sewing table (mineminemine), Dad's collection of Captain Midnight decoder badges, the ruby glass vase. All of them say Mom and Dad and my childhood; they're saturated with it. Leaving aside arguments with my brother -- which I actually don't expect, we've talked about it -- I can't keep everything that reminds me of my home. My parents lived a much more elegant life than I do. The ruby glass vase isn't us; it's Mom and Dad and Great-Aunt Mary, but it's not our sort of thing. The enormous panels of Arts-and-Crafts-style stained glass won't fit our Californian ranch windows, which are horizontal, not vertical. The books we flat-out don't have room for. We don't have much/any knickknack space. Our existing space is crammed with books and furniture and Stuff.
There will be helpers. I don't know what to do with my mom's double digits of houseplants, or the Swedish modern flat-woven rug from the 1970s (Ryas are collectable, flat-woven is not), or two out of the three chests of family silver. (A childless aunt, my grandmother, my mother.) There are so many things that are treasured, but won't be anybody else's treasures.
And of course I feel terrible thinking these thoughts; how selfish! But one of the things I've got to do while I'm here is start cleaning out the house.
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It's an awful thing to have to do. We skipped it with my grandparents only because my grandfather went grief-crazy and got rid of most of the stuff himself before anyone could stop him. But I don't think I have ever heard a story from someone who enjoyed this kind of sorting. It's not Marie Kondo.
*more hugs*
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On the other hand, all the saved plastic tins from cottage cheese containers and sherbet containers and broken things needing fixing? Off to the dumpster with them.
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With my grandparents, the hoarding was grocery bags and empty milk gallons.
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It's hard to let things go on their way, and then there's a point where it isn't. But that does not lessen in any way the sheer physical labor of it. Argh
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The houseplants: maybe some assisted living facility might want them? Or a plant nursery?
I buy stuff on eBay or Etsy that isn't collectible, but is just something I like and want. However, I don't know if you want to go through the hassle of listing and shipping stuff.
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Maybe start with the largest items? Or whatever seems easiest.
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Nine
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I'm dreading the day we have to do that with my parents -- there's so much stuff that's full of memories and family history, that I don't have any room for and yet can't imagine getting rid of to someone who wouldn't appreciate all that. And yet one has to do one of the two, sooner or later. And maybe other people will treasure the things differently, and make their own family history memories out of them.
(Although presumably not the old tupperware and cans of nails, agreed.)
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One thing I learned is that the tradition of "family silver" and "family china" seems to die with our generation; the kids aren't interested at all. And none of the stuff from my folks' house really meant anything to the kids, either. My sister still has a box of silver plate in her basement we can't find a home for but feel guilty about getting rid of...
The more familiar things your mother has, the more comfortable she'll be. Which doesn't mean she'll be happy, but she may adjust. I hope it's a pleasant sunny place with a lot to engage her. My father really enjoyed the live music his facility provided.
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there's a national franchise called Caring Transitions who can help with all of this: I recommend you see if there is one nearby...
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I believe there are ways to keep the dishwasher from stripping it, I just handwash mine as there's never a lot to do at once.
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We also have a set of silver plate that belonged to Spouse's grandmother. If it were a pretty pattern, I'd look into what it'd take to polish it up, but I find it kind of ugly.
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