mme_hardy | The Musketeers ep 1: Owie. (Reply)

You should know that I am an embarrassing swashbuckler fangirl. I will watch anything with Musketeers in it, with the exception of the recent steampunk thing, which was a breach too far. I have the 1954 TV series with Roger Delgado as Athos, and it is damn good. Take the rest of this review in that light.

THE MUSKETEERS is on a KNIGHT's TALE level of period faithfulness* **, which, okay, take it on its own terms. Much worse, it's on an ON STRANGER TIDES*** level of source-material faithfulness. Instead of the magnificent three-way duel that sets the action rolling in Dumas, MUSKETEERS has d'Artagnan's father murdered while on his way to tell the King that the new taxes are unfair to the peasants. D'Artagnan vows to avenge his father's death and heads on to Paris.

Some random highlights (spoilers):

D'Artagnan's father is murdered by Athos, so the little d' heads off to Paris to kill Athos. Turns out a masked Athos has been all over France killing people, while thoughtfully giving them his name first. Yup, it's a frame. The rest of the plot is Aramis, Porthos, and d'Artagnan rushing about to save Athos.
The French pronunciation is wobbly. A variety of British regional accents are used to convey French regional accents, which, okay, it's in English. Porthos, who is supposed to be an aristocrat like the other Musketeers, sounds particularly street, which is (judging by the actor's resume) probably the director's fault.
The Musketeers show up at the hôtel of M. de Treville. M. de Treville: "You. My office. Now."
The Foley artist goes berserk: wheel-lock pistols make the unmistakable sound of a modern revolver cocking. Swords being withdrawn from flesh make the same sound as swords being withdrawn from scabbards.
Way too many pistol fights, far too few swordfights. This is a matter of personal taste, of course, but mine is correct.
The fight choreography is foggy. Okay, okay, I'll never see William Hobbs again. Sob.
Richelieu's mistress (not that implausible, he got gonorrhea while a soldier) betrays him with Aramis; when Richelieu finds out, he takes her out to the forest and has her shot. While being dragged away she shouts "I love Aramis! Aramis!" Me, if my lover, the most powerful guy in France, was about to have me killed, I would devote my remaining time to attempting to change his mind.
I thought people on Twitter were just being silly, but Capaldi as Richelieu does really have a hint of Malcolm Tucker; he has the same general air of "Why am I surrounded by IDIOTS?" Which, to be fair, makes perfect sense. In the first episode, Richelieu arranges for the murder of various people to frame Athos, has his mistress shot, and personally poisons a possible witness against him, so well done him and the villainy.

I'll let Opus in a 1980s BLOOM COUNTY speak for me. "George Phblat's new film, 'Benji Saves the Universe,' has brought the word 'BAD' to new levels of badness. Bad acting. Bad effects. Bad everything. This film just oozed rottenness from every bad scene...Simply bad beyond all infinite dimensions of possible badness." Then Opus pauses and adds, "Well maybe not that bad, but Lord, it wasn't good."

Yeah. Lord, it wasn't good. I will be watching every single episode, because swords. It's a cast-iron kink. ~~also Capaldi looks quite nice in black leather~~

* I adore A KNIGHT'S TALE, and here is my gage to prove it.
** I'm not mentioning the costumes. There's a reason for that.
*** Fabulous book by Tim Powers. Read it.