Sweeping up the house and putting love away

[mme_hardy]

When my parents downsized the home they'd lived in since 1973, they moved the most treasured books and furniture and objects to the semi-detached house I'm sitting in now. Everywhere I look, I see things that remind me of my childhood. The dementia ward encourages you to bring your own furniture, so now I'm looking around to try to decide what would make Mom feel most at home and what pictures or ornaments she would particularly find comforting. It's a small room. Mom is still extremely angry and doesn't want anything moved because that would imply she's staying there and she isn't. I did bring up some family photographs, which she's enjoying, and will bring another batch later.

This sorting is doubly hard, because I'm asking both what are the essential objects to Mom and which are the essential objects to me. The tall silver Japanese vase, the Swedish sewing table (mineminemine), Dad's collection of Captain Midnight decoder badges, the ruby glass vase. All of them say Mom and Dad and my childhood; they're saturated with it. Leaving aside arguments with my brother -- which I actually don't expect, we've talked about it -- I can't keep everything that reminds me of my home. My parents lived a much more elegant life than I do. The ruby glass vase isn't us; it's Mom and Dad and Great-Aunt Mary, but it's not our sort of thing. The enormous panels of Arts-and-Crafts-style stained glass won't fit our Californian ranch windows, which are horizontal, not vertical. The books we flat-out don't have room for. We don't have much/any knickknack space. Our existing space is crammed with books and furniture and Stuff.

There will be helpers. I don't know what to do with my mom's double digits of houseplants, or the Swedish modern flat-woven rug from the 1970s (Ryas are collectable, flat-woven is not), or two out of the three chests of family silver. (A childless aunt, my grandmother, my mother.) There are so many things that are treasured, but won't be anybody else's treasures.

And of course I feel terrible thinking these thoughts; how selfish! But one of the things I've got to do while I'm here is start cleaning out the house.

Comments

[em_h]

Yes, it's so emotionally complex. I don't have to deal with all of my father's things, since his partner is still alive and in good health, but there are things left to me and my sister in his will, and there are things she would rather have taken out of the house, and there are things which my sister and I understand better than she does (the wooden merry-go-round horse head is so full of childhood memories). And we have to figure out how to move things, and where to put them, and how many of his books we can take (his partner basically doesn't want any of them), and which things we can ask for and which we can't, and every single move has a thousand emotional layers. So much more so for you right now ...

[sovay]

And of course I feel terrible thinking these thoughts; how selfish! But one of the things I've got to do while I'm here is start cleaning out the house.

It's an awful thing to have to do. We skipped it with my grandparents only because my grandfather went grief-crazy and got rid of most of the stuff himself before anyone could stop him. But I don't think I have ever heard a story from someone who enjoyed this kind of sorting. It's not Marie Kondo.

*more hugs*

[rachelmanija]

That's so hard.

The houseplants: maybe some assisted living facility might want them? Or a plant nursery?

I buy stuff on eBay or Etsy that isn't collectible, but is just something I like and want. However, I don't know if you want to go through the hassle of listing and shipping stuff.

[garpu]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I've got a box of linens, things, and such from my grandparents. If my mom knew I had it, she'd likely sue me over it, even though the things aren't of any value and weren't spoken for in the will. I'm glad to have it, but...it's stuff. :/ Like the violin Precious Moments statue. It was given to me because I played the violin. I hated the instrument, and I'm so not a fan of Precious Moments. So ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[oracne]

Yeah. I have been paying for a storage unit in another state for far too long.

Maybe start with the largest items? Or whatever seems easiest.

[ckd]

This is very hard stuff to deal with. ♥

[sabotabby]

I really feel that people going through the level of stress and grief with a declining or dying loved one shouldn't also have to do the painful work of going through all the stuff.

[nineweaving]

O gods! I feel for you. So many beloved things I had to sell; so much still in storage.

Nine

[genarti]

That's so hard. I'm sorry.

I'm dreading the day we have to do that with my parents -- there's so much stuff that's full of memories and family history, that I don't have any room for and yet can't imagine getting rid of to someone who wouldn't appreciate all that. And yet one has to do one of the two, sooner or later. And maybe other people will treasure the things differently, and make their own family history memories out of them.

(Although presumably not the old tupperware and cans of nails, agreed.)

[ironed_orchid]

Could you take her a small selection of size appropriate house plants, on the grounds that they need to be looked after?

[cofax7]

Oh, my. Yes, I'm with you on that.

One thing I learned is that the tradition of "family silver" and "family china" seems to die with our generation; the kids aren't interested at all. And none of the stuff from my folks' house really meant anything to the kids, either. My sister still has a box of silver plate in her basement we can't find a home for but feel guilty about getting rid of...

The more familiar things your mother has, the more comfortable she'll be. Which doesn't mean she'll be happy, but she may adjust. I hope it's a pleasant sunny place with a lot to engage her. My father really enjoyed the live music his facility provided.

[castiron]

Sending you sorting mojo. I hope you can get through as much as possible with minimal brain fry.

[tree_and_leaf]

My sympathies. It's all very difficult, both emotionally and practically. And you are not being selfish!