Reign ep. 1: Nearly-live blog
Oct. 18th, 2013 05:18 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mme_hardyAnything in quotation marks is actual dialogue. I rewound this, er, tripe so this recap would be accurate for you and you and you.
A tree stands in an annular circle of light. Blood drops on fallen petals. Nostradamus gets some in his eye.
Darn. It was a dream.
TITLES: France. 1557. Mary, Queen of Scots has been hidden away in a convent for her safety. Engaged since childhood to the future King of France, she awaits her return to the French court.
Nun picnic! Oops. Nun bleeding into porridge. Porridge for lunch? Harsh. Nun foaming at mouth. Nun bleeding from ears. Nun face-plants into porridge. Everybody is upset.
MQos: Oh. Sorry, I forgot.
MQoS is leaving the convent. She has a sparkly headband and a red velvet cloak. The 19th century orphans look sad. Now they have to go die of typhoid.
19th-century orphan: "Be careful. There are ghosts there. They say the halls are filled with them. Tortured souls. A girl, whose face is a ruin. She hides it."
MQoS:"I was at the French court before, you know. I didn't see any ghosts."
Soon-to-be-typhoided orphan: "But what if they saw you?"
MQoS: is struck by this logic.
Title: ROYAL COURT OF FRANCE.
Facial-expression hottie: "Really? Who?"
Anne of Green Gables Catherine de'Medici (hereinafter CdM): "Mary should be protected. Hidden. "
Some King Henri or other: "So you've claimed. You also claimed she needed to be in a convent when we both know she simply irritated you."
CdM: "There are those that say too many alliances make a King look weak."
CdM and DoF skulk in the shadows and exposit-complain (or possibly complain-exposit) about DoF's marriage.
CdM: "He [King Henry] may have been born with a crown on his head, but this country relies on MY money."
End of credits. Oh, dear. We're only 6 minutes in.
CdM and Nostradamus the Hottie lurk and conspire.
Nostradamus: exposit exposit Princess Elizabeth.
CdM: "She should bear sons. As soon as possible, or what is a wife's value?"
Maries -- oops, sorry, see next para -- shout "There she is!" and dash ahead of the court to greet the Q of S. Yeah, that'd happen. Giggles. Curtseys. GROUP HUG. Locks flowing everywhere. Not a French hood or a bonnet or even a hairpin in sight.
MQoS: "Oh, Kenna, Greer, Lola, I'm so happy to see you. Aylee, we're all together again."
Marie: "Mary, your hair. Didn't the nuns teach you anything?"
Marie: "Is that Francis? He's GORGEOUS."
MQoS: "That's not Francis. I know it isn't."
Marie: "Then that must be Sebastian. The King's bastard. Diane's son."
CdM shows up. DRAMATIC FAMILY POSE.
DoF shows up. LEATHER-CLAD HOTTIE AHOY. Black shirt, open at the throat, black studded velvet doublet ditto ditto, scruffy hair, stubbly beard. He's no Joseph Fiennes, but who is?
DoF and MQoS: awkward teenage conversation.
Nostradamus to CdM: MQoS will cost Francis his life.
CdM: Upsetface.
12:00 CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
15:00 WE'RE BACK
Lady with mole and vaguely prairie-Victorian hairstyle: Useful advice to Maries.
Maries: are wearing last year's prom dresses. Sadly, although polyester taffeta has been invented, irons haven't.
Hair: still down.
Montage of Maries donning 16th-century makeup. As IF.
TIME TO BREAK OUT THE BUSTIERS, LADIES!
MQoS: is wearing an 1860s-ish corset and petticoat. I forget what she puts on over it, but it's not an improvement.
MQoS: climbs spooky stairs. Flashback to tiny DoF and MQoS in early-19th-century children's clothes. MQoS saunters through deserted nursery.
DoF, showing up unexpectedly: this is MY nursery now.
MQoS: Whoa.
DoF: I make knives! And swords!
MQoS: "You're going to be a great ruler someday, isn't that enough?"
DoF: "I mean a REAL skill. ... I suppose if there was ever an uprising that sent my line into hiding, I could always get by as a blacksmith."
DoF: "That's a very kind offer. I hope I never have to take you up on it."
AWKWARD TEENAGE CRUSH ENSUES.
Francis wanders back to his room. Oops, his mistress is there.
CORSET AS OUTERWEAR AHOY!
Scene: Edge of woods.
Wolfhound: Is picturesque.
MQoS: Is wearing her shiny embroidered dress sitting on the ground amongst a bunch of reeds. She is happily collecting round pebbles. Girl, I worry about you. SOMETHING IS GROWLING IN THE WOODS. The wolfhound is worried, too. The pebbles fall to the ground.
MQoS, back in castle, through crack in door to DoF: I brought you something! To decorate your swords with!
DoF: Excuse me, I'm busy fornicating. Also, frankly, I can afford better rocks. Fancy ones. With actual monetary value.
MQoS: Whoa, do you have somebody in there? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME ALREADY?
DoF: Sucks to be you. I'm the King. Almost.
MQoS: Sadface.
DoF: [closes door] Sadface.
21:00 CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
26:00 We're baaaack.
MQoS (is back among the reeds, where there was growling earlier, because she is dumb as, well, a handful of rocks): "Stirling [I seem to have forgotten to mention that Stirling is the wolfhound.], come back. Come back." (heads off to forest)
Bastard: "Wait. Mary. Young girls. Royals. Queens. Do not leave the castle alone."
MQoS: Why not?
Bastard: "There's food and warmth. Who wouldn't rather be at the castle?"
Bastard: "I'll find your dog." Meaningfulface and sigh.
Maiden (presumably; one of the Maries, anyway) is nekkid in Victorian clawfoot tub.
Me: Loses the will to live. Again.
Previous Scottish boyfriend (PSB): shows up and makes with the kissy face.
Marie and PSB, now clothed, talk to CdM.
CdM: (to PSB) "You come from former servants. ... I do love a success story. " To maiden (presumed): "Go find Mary. Keep her on task so we can all enjoy the wedding."
MQoS: OH NOES SOMEBODY LEFT MY ROCKS ON THIS CHEAP SANDALWOOD MIRROR.
Shadow behind screen: "Taste of love and sorrow. But don't drink the wine. Don't."
MQoS: At a wedding reception?. Talk about a buzz-kill.
31:00 COMMERCIALS
34:00 WE'RE BACK
Actual period dance: plays.
Me: keels over from shock.
Guy who looks like Peter Capaldi: is in background
Me: Can I watch that show?
MQoS: "Come on, take off your shoes! Dance with me!"
Random soon-to-be-hit song*: Plays.
* "Back To You" by Twin Forks, described as a "folk super group".
Maidens: romp in a circle.
CdM: "We're overrun by Scots."
MQoS: Spins around in a circle with her arms over her head.
BB: Significant look.
MQoS: Wow, what a hottie. (continues to spin; presumably she's hoping to get really dizzy and stagger around the ballroom, caroming off diplomats as she goes)
36:00, REAL LIFE INTERLUDE:
My TiVo announces that the HDMI connection is not permitted. I think it lost the will to live, too. Insert 5 minutes of cable-fiddling.
RETURN TO OUR SHOW.
Feathers: fall from ceiling for no apparent reason.
DoF: glares at Bastard.
DoF: Flashes back to pillow fight with child MQoS.
DoF and MQoS: ROMEO AND JULIET GAZE
Princess Elisabeth: Leaves room, followed by lady in passable 18th-century garment, lady in historically accurate 1770sish garment, lady in 1850s evening dress. Whatever, at least they're all wearing coordinating pale green WHICH IS CLEARLY THE IMPORTANT PART.
Maries: giggle and run off to consummation ceremony.
MQoS: Consummation ceremony? Ooh, ick.
Maries: Um, nobody told you? Whoops. That'll be you some day.
MQoS: DOUBLE icky.
Lady in 18th-century dress: starts undressing Princess Elizabeth.
Back of 1840s gown: Has visible zipper. FOR SHAME, 1840s gown, and you were doing so well, too.
Princess Elisabeth: Is also wearing strapless corset. This one miiight be passable for the mid-1800s, I'd have to look it up to be sure.
Princess Elisabeth: Hair has fallen down into sort of a late-period Jackie O do. Is wearing a lace peignoir over aforementioned corset and petticoat.
King of Spain: Is actually wearing a correct-period nightshirt. Go team him.
Marie: That's icky.
Everybody: flees.
Another song: plays
CRYSTAL FIGHTERS: Follow [I have no idea what this note means. None.]
Maries: run upstairs
Marie: strapless beaded dress accessorized with silver Capezio character shoes. Whatever.
Hottie in fairly accurate Elizabethan doublet and shirt: gazes. Malely.
Marie: runs off into a corridor to masturbate and no, I am not making this up.
King of France: "May I?" Helps her out. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP EITHER.
DoF and MQoS: awkward teenage plot exposition. Whatever. Blah blah Scotland blah blah alliances blah blah you don't LOVE me. "Love is irrelevant to people like us." Blah blah.
MQoS: Asleep in bed, bearing disturbing resemblance to dead Juliet.
Previous Scottish Boyfriend: shows up and starts unbuckling belt ominously.
MQoS: wakes up and screams.
PSB: is dragged out screaming "Please, your Grace, forgive me!".
43:00 CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
47:00 BACK.
Maries sit around the boudoir expositing about virginity.
MQoS: shows up, wearing a backwards Elven-tiara, is peeved.
Marie: "PSB says he was forced. He says there were powerful people behind this and he had no choice."
MQoS: "He looked so surprised that I would even fight back. That I would wake."
MQoS: "The wine. I was told not to drink the wine. I was warned."
MQoS: Oh. Okay, then. I'll talk to Their Majesties.
Interior: the Official Chamber of Rape Culture.
MQoS: I need to talk to that guy who tried to rape me. "If I sent the wrong message in my joy at the wedding..."
CdeM: Take care, child.
King: (Is wearing a RennFaire chainmail necklace.) "You may have behaved foolishly, but you are not responsible for your countryman's actions."
Me: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
King: exposits about an English plot to have MQoS raped.
CdeM: exposits about rape culture as instanced in royal marriages, brides, purity, verification of.
CdeM: (Delivery worthy of Maggie Smith) "My dear, this was not an act of passion. It was TREASON."
King: By the way, I had him executed this morning. Sorry about that.
Back in the boudoir.
MQoS and Maries: Are depressed.
Lola: "YOU'RE THE REASON HE'S DEAD." You are not my REAL FRIEND.
MQoS: Wow, rape culture much?
Maries: weep and are judgmental.
Bastard: Brings back dog.
MQoS: cries into dog's fur.
Bastard: Is sympathetic.
Somebody I don't recognize: Is spying.
Bastard: Is much hotter than DoF, there's no getting around it.
Somebody I don't recognize: Turns out to be Diane de Poitiers. Whoops.
Bastard: Continues to be an interesting actor. When he's on-screen, I can't look away. Help, I have an anti-hero crush. Save yourselves; it's too late for me.
DdP: There's something nasty in the woodshed.
52:00 COMMERCIAL
55:00
MQoS and DoF on a battlement.
DoF: has a tiny facial range. Pouts.
MQoS and DoF: romantic and political quarrel.
MQoS: You mean you kind of love me? I mean, if we weren't royal, would you want to marry me? Or at least go steady?
DoF: SMOOCHYFACE.
Abortive smoochy. Oh well.
Sad song montage about how love should make you feel good.
CdM: stands in attic forge looking out window.
CdM: yells at Nostradamus because his sleep potion didn't work and MQoS didn't get raped. If that had happened, the engagement would be over and DoF would be safe. "Have your visions altered?"
Hottie!Nostradamus: I went to VisionCare and Nope. (has flashback to drop of blood on petal.) "MQoS will bring your son's death. We must continue ... to sacrifice."
MQoS: looks out at ocean. Talks to her imaginary friend.
Lightning: flashes.
Castle against sunset: Looks cool.
Logo: flashes.
Next week: Pretty pretty people.
Summary: I'll probably be there, but I'll be ashamed of myself the whole time.
A tree stands in an annular circle of light. Blood drops on fallen petals. Nostradamus gets some in his eye.
Darn. It was a dream.
TITLES: France. 1557. Mary, Queen of Scots has been hidden away in a convent for her safety. Engaged since childhood to the future King of France, she awaits her return to the French court.
I think we can all history-pick that one.
MQoS is playing soccer with a bunch of nuns. In 19th-century button boots. There are also orphans on break from a cheap production of Jane Eyre.Nun picnic! Oops. Nun bleeding into porridge. Porridge for lunch? Harsh. Nun foaming at mouth. Nun bleeding from ears. Nun face-plants into porridge. Everybody is upset.
Poisons don't work like that. None of them.
Exposition nun: "Mary, you've had a poison-taster since you left your mother's breast. Mary, you are the queen of Scotland." MQos: Oh. Sorry, I forgot.
MQoS is leaving the convent. She has a sparkly headband and a red velvet cloak. The 19th century orphans look sad. Now they have to go die of typhoid.
19th-century orphan: "Be careful. There are ghosts there. They say the halls are filled with them. Tortured souls. A girl, whose face is a ruin. She hides it."
MQoS:"I was at the French court before, you know. I didn't see any ghosts."
Soon-to-be-typhoided orphan: "But what if they saw you?"
MQoS: is struck by this logic.
Bye, 19th-century orphans! Nice knowing you!
ROLL CAST CREDITS. Title: ROYAL COURT OF FRANCE.
Somebody else will have to building-pick.
Two guys are talking. The Dauphin is a generic government-issue boyshow hottie. The other guy is also a hottie, but has multiple facial expressions.HISTORICAL INTERLUDE
All cites from Antonia Fraser's MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS, which I may have read over and over and over again in my teens.
The 15-year-old Mary, Q of S was formally betrothed to the 14-year-old Francis in April 1558. "His mother, Catherine de Medici, and Mary Stuart seem to have been indeed the only two human beings for whom this pathetic, wizened creature felt true emotion. Sickly in childhood, he had become difficult and sullen in adolescence; his physique was scarcely developed and his height was stunted; furthermore there is considerable doubt whether he ever actually reached the age of puberty before his untimely death, when he was not quite seventeen. *[He probably suffered from the condition known medically as undescended testicles. ...] ... This taciturn and stubborn character suffered from a chronic respiratory infection ... which cannot have added to his appeal, since it prompted his mother Catherine at one point to write to his governor and urge that the dauphin should blow his nose more, for the good of his health." p. 65
Unrelated Antonia Fraser quote that has always peeved me: p. 75 We have no record at all of her beauty or otherwise from the age of 19 to 25, generally held to be the peak years of a woman's appearance.
END INTERLUDE.
Dauphin (hereinafter DoF): "I was riding."All cites from Antonia Fraser's MARY, QUEEN OF SCOTS, which I may have read over and over and over again in my teens.
The 15-year-old Mary, Q of S was formally betrothed to the 14-year-old Francis in April 1558. "His mother, Catherine de Medici, and Mary Stuart seem to have been indeed the only two human beings for whom this pathetic, wizened creature felt true emotion. Sickly in childhood, he had become difficult and sullen in adolescence; his physique was scarcely developed and his height was stunted; furthermore there is considerable doubt whether he ever actually reached the age of puberty before his untimely death, when he was not quite seventeen. *[He probably suffered from the condition known medically as undescended testicles. ...] ... This taciturn and stubborn character suffered from a chronic respiratory infection ... which cannot have added to his appeal, since it prompted his mother Catherine at one point to write to his governor and urge that the dauphin should blow his nose more, for the good of his health." p. 65
Unrelated Antonia Fraser quote that has always peeved me: p. 75 We have no record at all of her beauty or otherwise from the age of 19 to 25, generally held to be the peak years of a woman's appearance.
END INTERLUDE.
Facial-expression hottie: "Really? Who?"
WHOM.
Throne room.HAIR NOTE
The King has skull stubble, beard stubble, and pronounced black eyebrows.
AoGG has an Edwardian updo with a single 18th-century ringlet.
END HAIR NOTE
The King has skull stubble, beard stubble, and pronounced black eyebrows.
AoGG has an Edwardian updo with a single 18th-century ringlet.
END HAIR NOTE
Some King Henri or other: "So you've claimed. You also claimed she needed to be in a convent when we both know she simply irritated you."
Fair point.
Political exposition ensues.CdM: "There are those that say too many alliances make a King look weak."
You're a de'Medici, married to a Valois, it's 1557, and you hate alliances?
Henri: "Then why do we sell our daughter to Spain?"HISTORICAL INTERLUDE.
Antonia Fraser, p.85: in 1559 Princess Elisabeth at the age of fourteen was betrothed to Philip of Spain. 1559 is also significant because in June, at her wedding, the King was killed by a lance splinter to the eye.
Trombone of foreshadowing: DUM-DA-DUM-DUM.
END INTERLUDE.
Antonia Fraser, p.85: in 1559 Princess Elisabeth at the age of fourteen was betrothed to Philip of Spain. 1559 is also significant because in June, at her wedding, the King was killed by a lance splinter to the eye.
Trombone of foreshadowing: DUM-DA-DUM-DUM.
END INTERLUDE.
CdM and DoF skulk in the shadows and exposit-complain (or possibly complain-exposit) about DoF's marriage.
CdM: "He [King Henry] may have been born with a crown on his head, but this country relies on MY money."
End of credits. Oh, dear. We're only 6 minutes in.
CdM and Nostradamus the Hottie lurk and conspire.
Nostradamus: exposit exposit Princess Elizabeth.
CdM: "She should bear sons. As soon as possible, or what is a wife's value?"
Well, you would know, dearie, what with your first 11 years of barrenness. SELF-BURN.
MQoS arrives in a coach; it's neither 18th century or 19th century, and that's pretty much all I can tell you. Good job, coach-prop suppliers. The court dashes downstairs to see the Queen of S; a wide array of inappropriate shoes flash into sight on the staircase. Significant look between DoF and Hottie With Facial Expressions.Maries -- oops, sorry, see next para -- shout "There she is!" and dash ahead of the court to greet the Q of S. Yeah, that'd happen. Giggles. Curtseys. GROUP HUG. Locks flowing everywhere. Not a French hood or a bonnet or even a hairpin in sight.
MQoS: "Oh, Kenna, Greer, Lola, I'm so happy to see you. Aylee, we're all together again."
Lola. L-O-L-A Lola. Sorry, sorry. I am going to continue calling them the Maries because my fingers tie themselves into knots whenever I type "Ayleasdfasdfsdfs".
Okay, then, time to meet the actual important people in the court. You know, like the King and Queen and Prince.Marie: "Mary, your hair. Didn't the nuns teach you anything?"
SO TRUE. SO DAMN TRUE. Although, frankly, with that weird blond braid surrounding your face, you should talk.
The King shows up with Diane de Poitiers (link NWS); they came on ahead because the Queen wasn't ready yet.Marie: "Is that Francis? He's GORGEOUS."
MQoS: "That's not Francis. I know it isn't."
Marie: "Then that must be Sebastian. The King's bastard. Diane's son."
Okay, so that's who Hottie With Expressions is.
HISTORY NOTE
Diane de Poitiers was 20 years older than the King, and they never had any children.
END NOTE
Apparently the royal procession couldn't wait for the Dauphin either. Those wacky French, so casual about precedence and etiquette.Diane de Poitiers was 20 years older than the King, and they never had any children.
END NOTE
CdM shows up. DRAMATIC FAMILY POSE.
DoF shows up. LEATHER-CLAD HOTTIE AHOY. Black shirt, open at the throat, black studded velvet doublet ditto ditto, scruffy hair, stubbly beard. He's no Joseph Fiennes, but who is?
DoF and MQoS: awkward teenage conversation.
Nostradamus to CdM: MQoS will cost Francis his life.
CdM: Upsetface.
12:00 CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
15:00 WE'RE BACK
Lady with mole and vaguely prairie-Victorian hairstyle: Useful advice to Maries.
Maries: are wearing last year's prom dresses. Sadly, although polyester taffeta has been invented, irons haven't.
Hair: still down.
Montage of Maries donning 16th-century makeup. As IF.
TIME TO BREAK OUT THE BUSTIERS, LADIES!
MQoS: is wearing an 1860s-ish corset and petticoat. I forget what she puts on over it, but it's not an improvement.
MQoS: climbs spooky stairs. Flashback to tiny DoF and MQoS in early-19th-century children's clothes. MQoS saunters through deserted nursery.
DoF, showing up unexpectedly: this is MY nursery now.
MQoS: Whoa.
DoF: I make knives! And swords!
In the nursery? At the top of the castle? Say, how many times have they had to rebuild this place in the last few years?
DoF: "I can't help thinking that every man, even a King, should have some kind of skill."MQoS: "You're going to be a great ruler someday, isn't that enough?"
DoF: "I mean a REAL skill. ... I suppose if there was ever an uprising that sent my line into hiding, I could always get by as a blacksmith."
... I give up.
MQoS: "But I'd save you! Or we could go to Scotland and we could rule there!"DoF: "That's a very kind offer. I hope I never have to take you up on it."
AWKWARD TEENAGE CRUSH ENSUES.
Francis wanders back to his room. Oops, his mistress is there.
CORSET AS OUTERWEAR AHOY!
Scene: Edge of woods.
Wolfhound: Is picturesque.
MQoS: Is wearing her shiny embroidered dress sitting on the ground amongst a bunch of reeds. She is happily collecting round pebbles. Girl, I worry about you. SOMETHING IS GROWLING IN THE WOODS. The wolfhound is worried, too. The pebbles fall to the ground.
MQoS, back in castle, through crack in door to DoF: I brought you something! To decorate your swords with!
It is a rock. A round pebble.
DoF: Excuse me, I'm busy fornicating. Also, frankly, I can afford better rocks. Fancy ones. With actual monetary value.
MQoS: Whoa, do you have somebody in there? ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME ALREADY?
DoF: Sucks to be you. I'm the King. Almost.
MQoS: Sadface.
DoF: [closes door] Sadface.
21:00 CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
26:00 We're baaaack.
MQoS (is back among the reeds, where there was growling earlier, because she is dumb as, well, a handful of rocks): "Stirling [I seem to have forgotten to mention that Stirling is the wolfhound.], come back. Come back." (heads off to forest)
Bastard: "Wait. Mary. Young girls. Royals. Queens. Do not leave the castle alone."
THANK YOU. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HISTORICAL HEART.
MQoS: But my dog.
Bastard: DO NOT GO INTO THOSE WOODS.MQoS: Why not?
Bastard: "There's food and warmth. Who wouldn't rather be at the castle?"
Now that we have an actor on-camera, there are emotions going on! Desire and protectiveness and "if only you knew my secrets" flickering from moment to moment. The scene has beats. Well done, Bastard!
Bastard: "I'll find your dog." Meaningfulface and sigh.
Maiden (presumably; one of the Maries, anyway) is nekkid in Victorian clawfoot tub.
Me: Loses the will to live. Again.
Previous Scottish boyfriend (PSB): shows up and makes with the kissy face.
Marie and PSB, now clothed, talk to CdM.
CdM: (to PSB) "You come from former servants. ... I do love a success story. " To maiden (presumed): "Go find Mary. Keep her on task so we can all enjoy the wedding."
MQoS: OH NOES SOMEBODY LEFT MY ROCKS ON THIS CHEAP SANDALWOOD MIRROR.
Shadow behind screen: "Taste of love and sorrow. But don't drink the wine. Don't."
MQoS: At a wedding reception?. Talk about a buzz-kill.
31:00 COMMERCIALS
34:00 WE'RE BACK
Actual period dance: plays.
Me: keels over from shock.
Guy who looks like Peter Capaldi: is in background
Me: Can I watch that show?
MQoS: "Come on, take off your shoes! Dance with me!"
Random soon-to-be-hit song*: Plays.
* "Back To You" by Twin Forks, described as a "folk super group".
Maidens: romp in a circle.
CdM: "We're overrun by Scots."
Rem acu tetigisti, lady.
MQoS: Spins around in a circle with her arms over her head.
Oh, did I mention the sleeveless black dress with bugle beading? Consider it done.
BB: Significant look.
MQoS: Wow, what a hottie. (continues to spin; presumably she's hoping to get really dizzy and stagger around the ballroom, caroming off diplomats as she goes)
36:00, REAL LIFE INTERLUDE:
My TiVo announces that the HDMI connection is not permitted. I think it lost the will to live, too. Insert 5 minutes of cable-fiddling.
RETURN TO OUR SHOW.
Feathers: fall from ceiling for no apparent reason.
DoF: glares at Bastard.
DoF: Flashes back to pillow fight with child MQoS.
DoF and MQoS: ROMEO AND JULIET GAZE
Princess Elisabeth: Leaves room, followed by lady in passable 18th-century garment, lady in historically accurate 1770sish garment, lady in 1850s evening dress. Whatever, at least they're all wearing coordinating pale green WHICH IS CLEARLY THE IMPORTANT PART.
Maries: giggle and run off to consummation ceremony.
MQoS: Consummation ceremony? Ooh, ick.
Maries: Um, nobody told you? Whoops. That'll be you some day.
MQoS: DOUBLE icky.
Lady in 18th-century dress: starts undressing Princess Elizabeth.
Back of 1840s gown: Has visible zipper. FOR SHAME, 1840s gown, and you were doing so well, too.
Princess Elisabeth: Is also wearing strapless corset. This one miiight be passable for the mid-1800s, I'd have to look it up to be sure.
Princess Elisabeth: Hair has fallen down into sort of a late-period Jackie O do. Is wearing a lace peignoir over aforementioned corset and petticoat.
King of Spain: Is actually wearing a correct-period nightshirt. Go team him.
HISTORICAL INTERLUDE:
Elisabeth was married by proxy, then sent off to Spain for the actual consummation. Philip of Spain didn't set foot in France.
END INTERLUDE.
Princess Elisabeth and King of Spain: make a short, blunt human pyramid, visible in silhouette through curtains.Elisabeth was married by proxy, then sent off to Spain for the actual consummation. Philip of Spain didn't set foot in France.
END INTERLUDE.
Marie: That's icky.
Everybody: flees.
Another song: plays
CRYSTAL FIGHTERS: Follow [I have no idea what this note means. None.]
Maries: run upstairs
Marie: strapless beaded dress accessorized with silver Capezio character shoes. Whatever.
Hottie in fairly accurate Elizabethan doublet and shirt: gazes. Malely.
Marie: runs off into a corridor to masturbate and no, I am not making this up.
King of France: "May I?" Helps her out. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP EITHER.
DoF and MQoS: awkward teenage plot exposition. Whatever. Blah blah Scotland blah blah alliances blah blah you don't LOVE me. "Love is irrelevant to people like us." Blah blah.
MQoS: Asleep in bed, bearing disturbing resemblance to dead Juliet.
Previous Scottish Boyfriend: shows up and starts unbuckling belt ominously.
MQoS: wakes up and screams.
PSB: is dragged out screaming "Please, your Grace, forgive me!".
43:00 CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
47:00 BACK.
Maries sit around the boudoir expositing about virginity.
MQoS: shows up, wearing a backwards Elven-tiara, is peeved.
Marie: "PSB says he was forced. He says there were powerful people behind this and he had no choice."
REAL-LIFE INTERLUDE
Son, passing through room: "That doesn't look like period costumery."
END REAL LIFE
Maries: Please saaave him.Son, passing through room: "That doesn't look like period costumery."
END REAL LIFE
MQoS: "He looked so surprised that I would even fight back. That I would wake."
MQoS: "The wine. I was told not to drink the wine. I was warned."
MQoS: Oh. Okay, then. I'll talk to Their Majesties.
Interior: the Official Chamber of Rape Culture.
MQoS: I need to talk to that guy who tried to rape me. "If I sent the wrong message in my joy at the wedding..."
CdeM: Take care, child.
King: (Is wearing a RennFaire chainmail necklace.) "You may have behaved foolishly, but you are not responsible for your countryman's actions."
Me: NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.
King: exposits about an English plot to have MQoS raped.
CdeM: exposits about rape culture as instanced in royal marriages, brides, purity, verification of.
CdeM: (Delivery worthy of Maggie Smith) "My dear, this was not an act of passion. It was TREASON."
King: By the way, I had him executed this morning. Sorry about that.
Back in the boudoir.
MQoS and Maries: Are depressed.
Lola: "YOU'RE THE REASON HE'S DEAD." You are not my REAL FRIEND.
MQoS: Wow, rape culture much?
Maries: weep and are judgmental.
Bastard: Brings back dog.
MQoS: cries into dog's fur.
Bastard: Is sympathetic.
Somebody I don't recognize: Is spying.
Bastard: Is much hotter than DoF, there's no getting around it.
Somebody I don't recognize: Turns out to be Diane de Poitiers. Whoops.
Bastard: Continues to be an interesting actor. When he's on-screen, I can't look away. Help, I have an anti-hero crush. Save yourselves; it's too late for me.
DdP: There's something nasty in the wood
52:00 COMMERCIAL
55:00
MQoS and DoF on a battlement.
DoF: has a tiny facial range. Pouts.
MQoS and DoF: romantic and political quarrel.
MQoS: You mean you kind of love me? I mean, if we weren't royal, would you want to marry me? Or at least go steady?
DoF: SMOOCHYFACE.
Abortive smoochy. Oh well.
Sad song montage about how love should make you feel good.
CdM: stands in attic forge looking out window.
CdM: yells at Nostradamus because his sleep potion didn't work and MQoS didn't get raped. If that had happened, the engagement would be over and DoF would be safe. "Have your visions altered?"
Hottie!Nostradamus:
MQoS: looks out at ocean. Talks to her imaginary friend.
Lightning: flashes.
Castle against sunset: Looks cool.
Logo: flashes.
Next week: Pretty pretty people.
Summary: I'll probably be there, but I'll be ashamed of myself the whole time.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 03:15 am (UTC)"Facial-expression hottie: "Really? Who?"
WHOM."
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Date: 2013-10-19 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 03:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 03:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 08:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 04:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 06:09 pm (UTC)I can't help thinking that every man, even a King, should have some kind of skill.
This is where I wonder whether they have mixed Mary Queen of Scots up with Marie Antoinette and therefore got the Dauphin muddled with Louis XIV and the locksmithing. Then I remember the Maries called Lola and Aylee and realise that it all probably has far more to do with Orlando Bloom blacksmithing in Pirates of the Caribbean and wow, was that really ten years ago?
I am also totally baffled that a show with this much random sleaze managed to omit Janet, Lady Fleming.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 06:52 pm (UTC)And yes, Lady Fleming.
Janet: I CAN HAZ KING'S BABY.
Diane: DO NOT WANT.
Catherine: DO NOT WANT.
Diane and Catherine: YOU CAN HAZ 1 1/2 BOAT TICKETS TO SCOTLAND. DO NOT WRITE. DO NOT PHONE. DO NOT TEXT.
no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 06:41 pm (UTC)Wiki saith: Further complicating things is Bash (Sebastian), Francis’ handsome, rogue half-brother, who has a history of his own.
//facedesk
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Date: 2013-10-21 09:12 pm (UTC)P.S. I love your son's comment on the costuming. Clearly you're raising him right.
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Date: 2013-10-19 01:08 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 01:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 01:11 am (UTC)http://glvalentine.livejournal.com/380847.html
and
http://glvalentine.livejournal.com/381087.html
?
no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 01:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 01:21 am (UTC)(I would have avoided it anyway)
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Date: 2013-10-19 01:27 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 02:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-10-19 02:23 am (UTC)Nine