Dad update

[mme_hardy]

Talked to my brother and my sister-in-law. Mom is using Dad's cellphone -- I had two old numbers but not the current one -- which doesn't have my number in it, so she passed messages through my wonderful sister-in-law. Texted my mom so she'd have my number.

So. It sounds like Dad is sometimes, rarely, awake, but not lucid; no indication that he's said anything since Saturday morning. My first impulse was to hop the next jet to Indiana; it's a 12-hour trip counting getting to the airport and getting from the airport to home. (Home. Haven't lived there in 40 years, but still.) Talked things over with brother; he thinks that the worst is likelier days than hours, and possibly farther away than that; we simply have no info. Lots of tests, no answers.

Dad's been having major falls, including through the glass of an Apple store (oog), and has problems with short-term memory. He's not the man he was even two years ago. He's 85, 86 in two days. If he's even aware of that.

Brother will be making the 8-hour drive up from Atlanta today, and will let me know what he thinks. We agree that Mom is apt to put a rosy picture on things, so we don't really know what's going on even with the very limited information she gave us. On the other hand, Mother doesn't need the worry of two children in town unless it really is an emergency; if both of us are home she may be distracted by trying to take care of us.

So. Sitting here, with no information, no way to help, and nothing to do but wait. It's hard.

I know a lot of you have been through this decline process before, and I know you've made it through.

Comments

[muccamukk]

I'm so sorry. This is always very difficult, the not knowing especially. I hope you get better information soon.

Let me know if you need kitten pictures or anything of the kind of aid that can be sent via e-mail.

[sovay]

So. Sitting here, with no information, no way to help, and nothing to do but wait. It's hard.

I hope you can get accurate information from your brother.

*hugs*

[tigerflower]

You are -- all of you -- in my prayers and thoughts. This is very hard, and what I wish for all of you is as much ease and grace as can be managed along the way, however far that way may be from here.

[legionseagle]

This bit is tough; just hang in there and know we're all thinking about you.

[lexin]

I’m thinking of you, I know what it’s like.

[laurashapiro]

So hard. I'm thinking of you today. I hope you and your family are able to get some answers soon.

[batwrangler]

It is so very hard. I'm sorry it is where you are, but you will get through it. It is totally ok to be scared. Waiting is hard. Knowing that you trying to help would make it harder for your mother when your brother going to be there and choosing to stay home, IS doing something: something thankless and painful and unrewarding no matter what happens. But it's also kind and selfless.

[armiphlage]

*hugs*

[fufaraw]

I'm so sorry. It's never easy, dealing with fragile elderly relatvies.

[sabotabby]

In my experience, the waiting game—and the impossibility of doing anything else with your time but waiting—was the worst part of it. I'm sorry you're going through it.

[ckd]

No answers, no advice, just love.

[oracne]

It is hard no matter what. Thinking of you.

[cofax7]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry. This part of being a child really sucks.

So, questions: is there anyone at the hospital (is he in the hospital?) you can talk to about his condition? Your mother will need to sign forms allowing them to tell you anything under HIPAA.

Do you and/or your brother have a copy of the Advanced Directive, if there is one? If you do, I recommend you both get it on your phones so it's easily accessed.

If he's not in hospice, I would recommend asking for a hospice evaluation and get that started right away. The switchover usually takes a few days, but once he's in hospice things can go much more smoothly because the hospice organization takes over everything. They'll order supplies, bring in a hospital bed, arrange for wound care, all of that. It'll be much easier on your family.

All that said, it's possible that he may come back some distance: he's probably dehydrated or suffering from a UTI or something else that can contribute to the delusions/dementia. If they can get him hydrated and get him on antibiotics he may be noticeably better quickly, even if he doesn't get back to where he was 2 years ago.

IME at this point hospice is one of the best options because it's all integrated care, no running around trying to get them to various doctors, and focusing on quality of life. A side effect is that it's also easier for the family. And it's worth remembering that hospice is not a death sentence: if he is suffering from something which is treatable, they will treat it, within the hospice guidelines. Additionally, hospice is reversible if by some chance they really recover.

{{more hugs for you}}

[sara]

What C said.

[mme_hardy]

I forgot to say this at the time, but this was a great help. Thank you.

[cofax7]

{{hugs}}

[ankaret]

Thinking of you all.

[ironed_orchid]

I'm sorry, this is a hard situation and made harder by being far away. Thinking of you.

[pameladean]

I've been through it with partners' parents, which is plenty hard enough but often different in scope than when it's one's own parents. I hope you get good information soon that makes it easier to see what to do.

P.

[castiron]

I'm sorry to hear this; I hope that any needed travels will go smoothly.

[loligo]

I'm so sorry - I hope you get some answers soon. (Also, I'm seconding Cofax's advice - especially the part about how dehydration and infections can make a surprisingly large difference in the mental state of the elderly.)

[rachelmanija]

I'm so sorry.

[nineveh_uk]

I'm sorry, it sounds tremendously difficult for all of you. I hope that your brother can get more information.

[tree_and_leaf]

That sounds very hard. Thinking of you.

[adrian_turtle]

I'm so sorry. No advice to offer, but I'm thinking of you.