Dementia, part N.

[mme_hardy]

It has become clear that my parents stayed in the lowest step of a retirement community far, far longer than they should have. My mother concealed my father's dementia. My parents refused all offers to move to the next step -- a completely independent apartment -- long after they were incapable of caring for themselves in a duplex. My widowed mother continued to refuse all offers until she wound up in the dementia ward with hallucinations -- which have been cured when her medications, hydration, and food intake were supervised. She continues to insist, in the dementia ward, that she is capable of moving back to their house, and refuses to move to an assisted apartment.

My husband, bless his heart and I mean this absolutely seriously, thinks there Ought To Be A Solution. It ought to be possible to move people where they need to go. We need to make plans so we won't do this to our children.

And the thing is, it doesn't work that way. Power of attorney, and the nursing home's ability to force change, are a binary. Is the person capable of making legally binding decisions yes/no? And if they're capable of making legally binding decisions, no matter how self-sabotaging or how stupid, you can't protect them. The nursing home can't move them until they are demonstrated to be incapable. The children can't move them until they are demonstrated to be incapable. And we couldn't take away the car keys until either the Indiana BMV did it, or until my mother became so legally incompetent that we had the right. The car keys are hidden now; my mother's best friend has my mother's driver's license. And that's only possible because we have my mother's POA and her lawyer agrees that she's demented. The ultimate irony here is that my parents moved to the multistep retirement community to save my brother and me the agonies they went with their parents.

My husband lucked out, after a fashion: his parents were willing to move from step to step as it became necessary. Soon after they moved to the independent apartment, his father, rest his educated soul, developed Parkinson's. A couple of years after her husband died, my mother-in-law, who had always disliked driving, gave up her driver's license and her car. To be fair, she is fiercely annoyed by the next next step, in which nurses aides show up regularly to check her insulin and make sure she's safe.

I hope, as an aging mother, to behave more like my in-laws than like my parents. I hope -- very much hope -- that I am neither so secretive nor so fiercely independent as my parents. But, you know, I inherit my mom's (and my dad's) bossiness, and who knows how aging further will treat me.

There isn't a settled solution to dementia. Up until the point where it demonstrably happens, you can't override a competent parent's decision. And after it demonstrably happens, you may have a fight on your hands.

I would say "hope I die before I get old", but I'm sixty. Love you, children. Hope I'm more reasonable when aging further than my parents were.

Comments

[nestra]

I am just going to close my eyes and go LA LA LA and hope that any potential issues my parents might have are magically cured by the international medical community before they become an issue.

Their house has stairs. The entire living area is on the second floor. They will pitch an almighty fit if anyone tries to make them move.

[ironed_orchid]

My mum was looking for a new house when she was 63, and I kept vetoing any that could only be accessed by steep steps or had lots of stairs inside, mostly because I'd seen how much trouble it was for my Nana to get down the few steps from her verandah when she was using a walker. Mum ended up with something that has a couple of steps on the front porch and a flat path to the back door. She is mobile now, but no one is getting any younger and if I ever move it will be to a single story dwelling because my knees already creak when I go upstairs at night.