What's up

[mme_hardy]

The hospitalist apologized to us for giving the impression that Dad was dying immediately. She can't actually predict. The next fall, the next cold, the next major incident of any kind will kill him, as could the continuing exhaustion of the heart. His hands and feet are cold and mottled. Could be weeks, could be months.

Dad came into the hospital because of a fall and pneumonia and heart troubles. While he was there we discovered that he had moderate-to-severe Alzheimers that Mom had been able to downplay because it had come on day by day. The hospitalist asked me, because I'd seen Dad last fall, what percentage of decline I'd noticed, and she said my face told the story.

We had his implanted defibrillator turned off, because when the heart is at end-stage failure the defibrillator can shock the heart over and over again when the patient is actually dying: pain to no purpose.

He kept asking about death today: whether this was the end, how many centuries had it been, and had eleven died yet. The hospitalist (who was very good, very compassionate, and very straightforward) said that it could be the dementia speaking, but that some of her patients did seem to have a strong and accurate premonition of death. He also spent a lot of time staring blankly into space. When Mom was in the room, his face followed her like a sunflower to the sun.

It's been a hard few days, and probably won't get much easier. Mom is coping with the diminution of a 61-year marriage. Mom is also losing a step or two herself. My brother and I are going to keep as watchful an eye as we can, with frequent check-ins in person.

Adulthood sucks, y'all. Flying home Monday.

e: I told my husband, shamefacedly, that I envied him, because his father had woken up in the night, taken one step, and died. My husband said that I was right.

Comments

[batwrangler]

>Adulthood sucks, y'all.

It certainly does.

[sovay]

Adulthood sucks, y'all. Flying home Monday.

Much love.

[recessional]

My husband said that I was right.

Legit all I've encountered, first or second hand, backs this.

*shares tea*

[edenfalling]

*hugs*

And yeah, a fast death is a horrible shock for the people left behind, but it's less... at least it's clear-cut and final, you know? Whereas there's a special kind of draining awfulness watching a person you love deteriorate irretrievably over time, with no clear end in sight. :(

[nineweaving]

When Mom was in the room, his face followed her like a sunflower to the sun.

That is heart-piercingly beautiful.

And yes, you are right. This is the hard way. I hope all of you have strength for it.

Love,

Nine

[garpu]

How's your mom doing with everything? And how are you doing?

[nestra]

I'm sorry. Alzheimer's is the worst, especially as it drags on.

[rachelmanija]

That's so heartbreaking. I'm sorry.

[pameladean]

Adulthood is the worst. Thinking kindly of you all.

P.

[castiron]

I'm sorry for the hard news and am wishing you all strength.

[julian]

Some parts of adulthood do indeed suck. This part in particular.

(As someone who thought about a career in nursing and decided not because of *just this kind of thing*, you and your husband are entirely correct.)

[cupcake_goth]

Adulthood sucks, y'all.

It does.

Much love to you.

[kore]

Adulthood sucks, y'all. Flying home Monday.

e: I told my husband, shamefacedly, that I envied him, because his father had woken up in the night, taken one step, and died. My husband said that I was right.

Fucking word to both of those. I'm so sorry.

[lilysea]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. :(

This is so incredibly hard. :(

[ckd]

Much love.

[radiantfracture]

This is so tough.

Many wishes for what you need to sustain you right now.

[oursin]

So sorry you're having to deal with this, and over such long distances. Sending good thoughts.

[fufaraw]

I'm so sorry. Adulthood does indeed suck beyond the telling of it.

(this is arliss--too lazy to log out and back in)

[kernezelda]

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. On practical points, as someone who's gone/going through it, do you all of your parents' legal affairs in order? Power of attorney for both, in case your mother needs it? If either of your parents will need Medicaid, and have over the maximum income, you may need to set up a trust, in which case, make sure the POA has the correct language for such--you'll want to consult a lawyer who specializes in elder care law, trusts, guardianships. If either of your parents has ambiguous-gender names, make sure the paperwork matches their gender--Mom's didn't, and had to be re-done literally the day before the application was due.

[howlgirl]

Agreed on all of this, it's a terrible time to have to do it, but it will be better in the long run.

[sabotabby]

Fuck adulthood. Seriously. I'm so sorry.

[oracne]

I am so sorry. Having lost both parents, and watched my friends deal, it's awful no matter how it happens. If you have distractions, do them - it helps.

[ironed_orchid]

Adulthood is terrible.

This is an awful situation, but it's good you were able to be there and see him and your mom and be there for them.

[larryhammer]

Woofs. Not easy, no. Still holding you in the Light.

[meara]

Oh I’m so sorry. That sounds super tough.

[genarti]

I'm so sorry. This is such a hard way for death to come; it's awful and grinding for all of you. Strength to you and all your family.

[tree_talking]

I'm so sorry. Adulthood sucks. both of my parents died young, my mom after a prolonged bout of cancer, my dad from complications of chemo (but quickly) and I don't know which was worse. May you have peace and strength. <3